So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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