using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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