Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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