i need an iv and a liver transplant
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
