this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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