his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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