Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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