im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
