You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
