Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
