I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
