speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
You're earring is so big in my mouth
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
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