can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
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