He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
