I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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