this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
