please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
