I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
