i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
