JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
