You're my little dorito
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
