I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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