If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
