I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
