at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
