Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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