Those balls look pretty dangerous.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
