this beer tastes like vomit already
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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