Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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