you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
