i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
did you just send me my own nude
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
