How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
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