allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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