I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
The air taste purple.
Randomize
