So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
