I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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