Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
