I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
