The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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