just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
