You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize