I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
