I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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