remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
im calling her cock vulture from now on
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
