So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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