fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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