A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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