I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
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