Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
