somebody snuck up and got me drunk
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
