you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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