Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
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