I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
