if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
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