Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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