Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
