i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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