she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
