it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
