Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
