turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
