Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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