I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Sober January is a disaster.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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