Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
