Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
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